Frog In North Georgia

I have some sort of germ.  I feel run down.  DD was sick on Thursday and Friday.  I was up with her all night while she whined and blew her nose.  She has been clinging to me for four days.  Today she feels better, but still has the nasty nose. 

I feel yuk. 

I have an article due and think the deadline is tomorrow.  Stupidly, I am not sure. 

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More randomness.  I have just received an email, forwarded from a friend, that I had sent to him ten years ago.  As in ten years, at least one address, name change, and a few jobs ago.  A whole kid has happened since then.

Shouldn’t email come with an expiration date?  Should they not implode in your inbox after 120 days?

I’m not really sure of the context, but think it has something to do with some friends who nearly got me arrested.

Here is my twenty-something response to the question “Trust me I wouldn’t do anything you wouldn’t do.  What wouldn’t you do?”

What I wouldn’t do:

1. Anything that would cause death by dismemberment, life and
dismemberment, or slow agonizing disease.

2. Commit a felony.

3. Anything that could get you on the 11 o’clock news with the disclaimer
that the scenes are graphic.

4. If you wouldn’t show it to your grandmother don’t photograph it.

5. Confessing it to the local priest would cause duress.

6. The guilt would kill you.

7. Even if you were 85 you would still be hiding it from your children.

8. If it doesn’t fall into any of the above categories but would otherwise
offend, disgust, or severely disturb me or anyone else you know, don’t tell
anyone about it and force your friends/witnesses into a vow of silence
under penalty of equal humiliation by letting their skeletons out of the
closet.

Hmmm.  I see a future in blogging in the above silly quips.  I bet this man has even more infamous quotes by me.  It is a good thing we’re still friends.

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Photo by Francisca Ulloa

Happy birthday.  For your celebration, come in and get your boobs squished into a freezing cold vice.  We’ll tell you if you have cancer.

Free Mammogram

I got a birthday card in the mail.  It says, happy birthday, and contains information about receiving a free mammogram.  That is quite possibly the most unexpected birthday gift I’ve ever received.

Don’t get me wrong.  I know this is actually a valuable gift.  Prevention is good.  But really, my birthday is a downer.  I just paid my birthday tax.  The State of Georgia also says happy birthday.  For your birthday, you pay the property tax and tag fee on your car.  So this week I pay a tax and there is the free mammogram?

Ick.

Regifting

My birthday is Sunday, the fourth.  Generally it is best ignored.  Because receiving a regift wrapped in Christmas paper because that is what people can afford, is well - a card or simple happy birthday voice mail is much better.

Okay, so that’s my, please ignore me if you can’t say something nice on my birthday even if you are an institution rant.  Taxing me and offering a medical procedure is not included in “nice.”

Grandma Update

Grandma is herself mentally and linguistically.  I spent fifteen minutes telling her that DD had a playdate with her friend E.  Grandma was confused by the name, didn’t understand that E is a person.  Once that was settled, I spent several more minutes explaining that E is a girl and her brother G is a boy.  Clearly, names that are not gender specific are lost on Grandma.  It is not a trend that she likes.

Physically grandma is not the best. She claims she is well.  Because she is well in spirit (see above).  I can no longer call at any time of day or evening with any certain that I won’t wake her up.  The oxygen isn’t really working so well.  And she just doesn’t sound well (her voice, not what she says).

Grandma and her Male Suitors

Grandma went to a holiday party that the little greek man threw.  I said, “You rejected him, then went to his party?”

She said, “Well, lots of people were there.”

I said, “Grandma, you were there.”

Weirdly, she had no response to that.

Her old boyfriend, J, also called.  She said, oh, it’s nice that he called, I thought he might be dead.

I asked whatever happened to D, who stopped calling, so she thought he was dead.  She said, oh yes, definitely dead.  I asked how she found out.  She said she doesn’t remember, somebody must have called her back.

Poor guy, he even asked her to marry him one last time.  She said she could never marry an Italian-American man:  too possessive.

When I told her about the free mammogram she said, well, at least when you don’t call me back right away, I don’t think you’re dead.

Tags: birthday gift, free mammogram, greek man, happy birthday, medical procedure, property tax, regift, state of georgia, tag fee.

I should avoid all things celestial.  Yuk.  I tried this blueberry Celestial tea and it is very weird.  I don’t know why.  I read the label and it says blueberry and some herbs and other pretty normal tea things.  I made sure it wasn’t the spicy type like the raspberry that I disliked so much.  But it is still icky.

Apparently, if I want caffeine free, I must drive to the Trader Joe’s.

Tags: celestial tea, trader joes.

Photo by TimothyJ on Flickr

Twice in the last week I’ve seen Law and Order episodes where the stash is found in an appliance.  The tell-tale sign that there is money or drugs in the toaster (and whatever the other thing was) is that it is unplugged.

I keep my toaster in a cabinet above the stove.  This gives us more counter space the rest of the day, when the toaster is not in use.  Of course, it is unplugged.

Now every time I unplug the toaster, I think about Law and Order and how if anybody I know ever dies suspiciously, all of my small appliances will be destroyed by the law.

Right.

Tags: law and order episodes, small appliances.

Christmas Morning

Merry Christmas.  I hope everybody had a nice time.  Or happy holidays if Christmas is not your holiday. 

We had a very low key day.  We went to MILs on Sunday.  So the 25th was nice and quiet.  DD, in usual kid fashion asked if there weren’t more presents to open.  It seemed like less than it actually was since she had already opened so many things before Christmas day.

DH drove SS out to visit some family for a few days. Hooray, hooray.  He won’t be bored to death and sharing his misery with us.

DDs favorite gifts are a Barbie pediatrician and an Ariel cape.  Of course what she desperately wanted was an Ariel doll, which she plays with, but not nearly as much.  The Barbie is quite possibly the only Barbie ever who doesn’t look like a hooch.

Knowing the camera would be out, it was my thought to get up before DD and be dressed and have my hair and makeup fixed.  But of course the moment I stirred she was off to see what Santa brought.  And I wanted to see her open her gifts.  So there is the big hair, at 7:00 AM with me still in pajamas with no makeup.

Tags: ariel, barbie, big hair, christmas day, christmas morning, favorite gifts, merry christmas.

No, really, I haven’t fallen from the Earth.  I just lamely marked my last post as a draft, then forgot to finish it up and post it - for a week.

And I’m trying to spend my writing type energies writing for Suite 101, the online magazine widget you see to the right, which actually earns some money, and other venues.  Though I intend to still entertain myself and anyone else who is interested on this blog.

I will attempt to post a photo of my failed hairstyle, which might provide a laugh.  Though nobody ever takes my picture.  Or they come out so badly that I delete them.  The hair though, is amusing.  I showed the stylist a photo of Penelope Cruz in Volver and said, similar cut to that.  She said, that is a whole lot of layers.

The haircut that actually happened looks sort of 1985.  Since I was alive in 1985, I am far too old to do “retro.”

Really big hair.

Tags: big hair, penelope cruz, suite 101.

It is time again for the semi-annual purge of household items.  A few weeks ago, under tremendous protest, I gave away a lot of toys and clothing that had belonged to DD.  Most of it was too small, or too young. But there was a big batch of things perfectly age appropriate for which we just don’t have room that went to mother-in-laws house.  DD can play with it tomorrow.

I have ready to go in the trunk and deliver tomorrow, many baby items for SIL, for her baby on the way.

I have a stack of magazines and books to deliver to a friend who is temporarily housebound.  Which is really scary, because I just brought a giant stack of magazines to MIL at Thanksgiving.

And I have a box each for Goodwill and the library.  Good grief.

On a funny note, I told DD that she needs to make room for her new toys that she will
receive as gifts and that Santa looks for clean rooms and sharing.  She
then polled her friends and quoted each of their responses to me.  Here are a couple:

DD: Mommy, my friends don’t have to give away their toys.
Me: Sure they do.
DD: No, B doesn’t give away her toys.  And they eat as many oreos as they want.
Me: B’s house is a mess.  And her mother is much fatter than yours.  Do you want to live in squalor with a really fat mom?
DD (frowns): No.  I don’t like that. E doesn’t give away her toys.
Me: E doesn’t celebrate Christmas.  Santa is going to fly right past her house.
DD: Why does Santa come down the chimney?
Me: Because the reindeer park on the roof.

wtf am I coming up with this stuff?  We also have been to the library this week and DD checked out a book about the food pyramid and vegetables.  Then we went to the doctor who talked about vegetables and health.  DD said on the way home, “I need to call B now and tell her about the vegetables and oreos so she won’t get fat.”

omfg, how to get her to understand that people cannot lecture their friends about vegetables and oreos.

Tags: baby items, christmas santa, food pyramid, household items, new toys.

As I’m looking in my refrigerator and pantry today, I also take a look at allrecipes.com.  I enter in two of the various ingredients I might want to use, cream of mushroom soup and ground beef.  I find Goulash II, and a host of snippy comments about it.

I don’t know the author of Goulash II.  But I’m thinking why go here?  What is with the bad attitude?  Okay, you don’t like the recipe, don’t like the title, whatever.  I don’t get why the snottiness is necessary.  Are these high school students or something?  If not, then they really need help, as in prayer.

Goulash II - Allrecipes

Not only is this not “goulash” this is not a recipe. This is a “dump”!

Poor allrecipes is now tainted by the same type of idiots who frequent message boards.  How sad.  That’s my cooking and society lament for today.  Now I shall return to my pantry which my husband overstocked and try to figure out how to reduce its contents into our dinner.

Tags: allrecipes, bad attitude, cream of mushroom soup, high school students, message boards.

Photo by Pullao

I called my cousin to wish him happy birthday.  In the background I hear my uncle.  “Is that Christina?”

Cousin: Yeah Dad.

Uncle: Is she married to a white guy?

Cousin: Yeah Dad.

Uncle: An American?

Cousin: Yeah Dad, a houle.  She’s married to a houle.

Uncle: How come I don’t know this?

Cousin: Because you don’t usually listen to my phone conversations.

Uncle: How many kids does she have?

Cousin: Dozens.

Uncle (shocked): Christina?

Cousin: No Dad.  One, she has one child.

roflmao.  My uncle is 90 years old.  He’s my dad’s brother-in-law.  He’s from Guam.  Last time I called he couldn’t remember who I was right away.

My cousin and I are the same age. He is so much younger than his sisters that they were in college when he was born.  His oldest sister and my mom were the same age.  I’m sure he’s going to have a really good time with all of them this evening telling them nonsense about me (because they won’t remember the truth), before finally clearing it up at the end of the evening.

He is really enjoying the family senility.

Oh, and translation, houle is a somewhat derogatory term for a white, American, state-sider (not Hawaii).  For years my aunt was so embarrassed that he married a houle that she told everybody that he married a French girl, which was true as a technicality.

Pronounced:  howl-y.

Tags: american cousin, derogatory term, french girl, good time, happy birthday, phone conversations, white guy.